Changes: They Are Coming. For You. For Me. (And a Graphical Update on the House Next Door)

I've really missed my regular posting in this space and I hope you've missed it, too.

As a new blogger (my one year anniversary is only a few weeks away), I know that failing to post regularly is blog death. However, never fear, my absence and irregularity is for very good reason. I actually have quite an arsenal of pent up student-professor communication goodness just waiting to emerge for you.

For right now, change is afoot... Exciting changes. I bet you have new changes coming, too, as you move further into this academic year. Maybe you're readying yourself for graduation. Maybe you're finishing your first year. We'll talk about the talk associated with those changes in just a second. First, a little preview on the changes of which I speak:

-Say goodbye to this blog space. The Chatty Professor is moving to a fresh new home thanks to my work with Christian Hollingsworth (http://www.smartboydesigns--have you met him? Followed him? Read his work? Oh my goodness... you have no idea...). Christian is helping me take my social media presence to new and incredible places.

-I recently mentioned some new blog features, which will ramp up the tips I can offer to you each week. Here's a preview:

*Word. Wednesday. Say It Now: Quickie talking tips about your class, college, or other campus-related "stuff" you can use immediately. I'm planning for... guess which day... but you can use the tips any day!

*Let's Talk To: Interviews with experts about how they use communication in their respective fields. It's that "soft skills" training that rarely gets talked about. Well, I'll be talking about it and then you can use those tips to strengthen your abilities!

*Talk About This Today: News to raise your information excellence capital! No more will you want to text before classes. Instead, you'll be 'in the know' when you practice face-to-face communication with these conversation starters. Watch you go! (Okay, I won't be able to see you--that would be weird, but I know you'll write in and tell me about it!).

*And, of course, my regular commentary about all things student-professor comm-related. Don't worry: I'll still add my take on interpersonal communication and, at times, public speaking!

-My book, Say This, NOT That to Your Professor: 36 Talking Tips for College Success is less than 60 days away from release. That's all I'll say about that, but you'll hear more very soon!

-My final change is a little random, but I did promise to update about it in this post called "When the Walls Go Up, How Do You Avoid Getting Down?" 

Remember this picture? I'll bring you up to speed...

The former view standing on my front porch...
Vashon Island in the distance

My house is on the left. Bob the Builder
rolls in to prep the space. My 4-year old delights. My
husband and I cringe. But we knew it could happen.

We get a taste of what's to come.
No more Vashon Island from
the porch.. or from anywhere.

A few short months later, wallah!
A baby Office Max--er, ultra-modern
house is born. Okay, it's a little cute.
(I'll let you know when it sells.)

So, what's the communication lesson here? 

Even positive change can be stressful to talk about! Maybe you're going through some good changes, like that you're really comfortable with your classes, your degree program, your college, in general. Or maybe, you were thinking about leaving your college and now you're going to stay put. Or, you have changed your mind, but you feel very rooted in that decision (remember my tips here?).

Here are some ways I've messaged some of the happy challenges I've been going through lately:

-"There's an end and I know that. Only a few more weeks left and I can make it. I'm going to hold strong!" 

Nothing lasts forever. A college term has an end. So does a book deadline. I have personally decided that I hate the term, "Hang in there!" because it makes me feel like I have a rope tied in a not-good place. So, I'm replacing "Hang in there!" with "Hold strong!" because it just feels more powerful, more assertive, more positive.

(Remember, you can also ask for help if you need it a'la this post).  

-"It's amazing what the mind can adjust to." 

When our friends see the small office building that has emerged next door, they supportively express sadness for our loss (of a view... I know, it's not like we lost a family member or a pet--we do put this in perspective). But, honestly, a couple of weeks ago, as I was carrying laundry from one room to another (an every day occurrence around here), I realized that the lack of view wasn't really bothering me any more. My eyes adjusted to what was. My family isn't sad, though my son misses the diggers and the builders. The known is so much more freeing than the dread of wondering what would come.

-"This is a good problem to have." 

I have had very, very little sleep lately, thinking about book cover text, fonts, proper endorsement placements, edits, etc. And this is in tandem with other work I have happening. You are juggling work too, wonderful student--probably a lot of it, right?  

Let's put this in perspective:  YOU are in school... you have opportunity ahead of you... you may be working, and you're working toward something. There is every possibility in front of you. You are making it happen. 

I have a dream that I've had since I was a teen-ager about to come true. A dream that's eluded me twice already. A dream that one of my parents and two friends did not live to see. I'm in a pretty fantastic place in my career--this is a full-circle moment. 


Yes, we're both losing some sleep for different reasons. Yes, we're a little (okay, a lot) stressed due to our workload and concern over the quality of our work. But, hell, we're in... the... game.

What a great problem to have! So let's message our "stress" accordingly!

I'm going to end here. To leave this on a positive note, a graphical close:

Look to the right of small Office Max--er, ultra modern. More change may be
coming for potential owners... Other walls could go up later!
Small houses don't always stay that way in Seattle.

 

 

Last picture... view from my kitchen window
(back of the ultra modern house). Peek-a-boo view
of Vashon. I'll take it! 

Students, what positive changes are coming your way? I'd love to hear about them! And, of course, I'm always here to talk about those "other" changes, too... Wonderful readers, thanks for your patience with my delay over the past few weeks. See you in the new digs!

When Relationships Change, How Do You Know When to Let Go? Part 1

(I'm going to divert from my student-prof communication message this week and delve into my interpersonal comm background. Never fear, my regular message will return. This particular topic is close to me right now and I was thinking about college students who are progressing with new situations, perspectives... and how that's affecting "old" relationships. Read on!)
 
When my students are no longer my students, I will typically accept friend requests on Facebook. I've only been on FB about six months and it's far more business than personal... (though I did just lament about needing my first pair of reading glasses, so that felt a little expose-y).

A wonderful former student of mine, Scott Hamlyn, recently posted this quote on his wall (He gave me permission to share): 

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on."

Now I know Scott just moved from Washington to Hawaii to pursue a degree at the university there (yes, every single one of us in our CMST 220 class wanted to join him!). I am sure Scott left behind family and friends, and his status update tells me that he might be undergoing some relational changes. Based on some related changes in my own life--not going to college, but some relationship alterations--Scott's words resonated with me at just the right time.

(Don't you love when that happens?)

I thought about the many, many college students I've met over the years who have, themselves, started anew in a fresh location. I've met countless other students aching because they were "left behind" while a friend or significant other went on to a university in a different city.

Figuring out where old relationships fit into a shiny new life is extremely challenging, emotionally distressing, and can be downright painful. Maybe you don't have a new life, but you suddenly have a fresh perspective, a renewed knowledge of yourself. Maybe you're realizing that an old friend is immobile, unchanging, or not-as-supportive of the newer you.

I have had to face this very situation recently. At 42 and an only child, my friendships have always been the touchstone of my existence. I hook into friendships loyally, deeply, thoroughly. I foster my relationships with an open heart and open communication. I try to be a friend who is steadfastly supportive, and one who owns my wrongdoings when necessary.

For these reasons, I am proud to be someone who can sustain friendships for many years. 

For these reasons, I'm also a person who doesn't always see the ready signs when it is time to let a friendship go.

With some recent eye-opening relational changes in my own life, here are some realities I can relate to you, a college student, who may be wondering, "Has this relationship reached its shelf life?", now that you are in a different space:

1.  Listen to your body when you communicate (or anticipate communication) with your friend.
Is your stomach knotted up? Do you feel generally uplifted when you are in conversation with this person? Do you find yourself anxious over whether this person will or won't call or text you? Do you look forward to speaking with this person? Most importantly, are your physical signs holding you back from experiencing what's in the moment? For instance, are you skipping that party or study session--or lacking the ability to "be present" with new friends--because you're feeling nauseous about your contact (or lack thereof) with your at-home friend? If so, your body is speaking to you. Listen to it.

2.  Watch for signs of jealousy or raining on your parade. 
There is never, ever, ever any guarantee that friends or lovers will grow together at the same rate, and in the same time. However, each person will hopefully support each other in successes, rather than feel threatened by them. If you share that you aced an exam, made a new friend, became an officer of a campus club, then your old friend will hopefully celebrate and applaud that right along with you. If not, this could be a red flag that your friend is unable to grow with you.

3.  Is the other person there to support your anxious, frightened, stressed moments?
In your "former life", you may have had a consistent support system and a relatively stable existence. Now, you have plunged yourself in a totally unfamiliar situation, whether it's another city/state or just that you are going to a different school with all new people. You may feel triggered in ways that you haven't experienced before. You may react differently to your feelings than you have before, which is surprising and possibly unsettling to others in your life.  

This will put your friendships to a test: Will your friend be supportive of you? Change the subject when you try to bring up your fears? Criticize you for feeling the way you do? Will the person become triggered, themselves, and then you end up having to help them? 

If your relationship is solid, it should be able to withstand some situational turmoil that you are going through... and some funky moods you're experiencing. 

However, if you have to constantly be okay in order for the friendship to remain, then this is a problem.

There are other signs that you may have outgrown a friendship, of course, but this is a start. 

Now you're probably wondering:  What if thinking about these things signals that there should be an end? How do I know? What do I do?  

My answer? 

Nothing. 

(For now).

Just observe and listen... to your heart, to your body, to your mind as you continue your new communication interactions, and your former ones. 

Taking inventory of relationships is not a quick and easy process, but it is an introspective one. Part 2 of this discussion will come next week.

In the meantime, I'll mention that my Interpersonal Communication students do a journal assignment based on social exchange theory. Essentially, they complete a "cost-benefit" analysis of three friendships. While the complexities of friendships can't easily be broken down into a simple "here's what I'm getting vs giving/here's what I'm not getting vs giving" list, you may be able to see some patterns emerging or areas that are overdue for change. In your week of reflection about your friendships, give this strategy a try... take some notes. 

I look forward to continuing the discussion, and, as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!